HivesÉ

This is Matt writing. On Christmas Eve Sam Ate a lot of shrimp. A LOT of shrimp.

On Christmas Sam came down with a huge rash. He thought it was Aids or HIV. the kids kept taunting him about it with stuff like "Sam you only have 5 days to live".

Lately we have gone skating at the Canada Games Speed Skate Oval. As you can imagine, I am not a good skater. Yesterday I woke up extremely sore everywhere. Even now I am unable to lift my legs to put a shoe on. so please don't comment and say ''shake a leg''. If you do I will kick you.

Well its that time of year when we say good bye to the current year and say hello 2011!

So without further due Good bye 2010!

Hello 2011!

H.I.V.E.S.

This is Sam. A few days ago on Christmas eve we (the family) was watching a movie called the sandlot (very good movie) and I started to itch. I noticed that there were tiny dots on my body and when the movie was done I asked them what it was. They looked at me and Mom said I'm going to call the pharmacy. By this time I got scared. later Mom gave me half of a pill What is it I asked. Mom said it would help the rash (and oh boy it did). But the next morning I was itching like crazy. my Christmas was good but I didn't have an appetite and I was itching like it was 70 degrees out and i was right beside a huge nest of bees and what not. it lasted for a few days but I am happy now. BYEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

:)

Sam's sayings

Yesterday we went to Pirate's Cove (swimming pool). A good time was had by all. But later Sam complained, "my cheeks are burning.". We asked why. He said, "the chlorine went through cracks that I had in my eyes and leaked down inside my cheeks." Man, I hate it when that happens.

I fell down our outside stairs this morning - oh how it hurt. We had some very wet snow which I had asked Matt and Sam to shovel before it froze. They did a half-baked job. I had fallen on bits of snow that were left on the stairs and then it froze. Sam kept saying, "I'm sorry Mom." He has a very sensitive heart and could almost feel my pain. I was not very gracious. I said, "boys if you had shovelled the stairs properly on that mild day I would not have fallen. Sam said, "well I am very sorry about that Mom but it wasn't really my fault. I was shovelling in my barefeet."

Today we went skating at the "Oval" - a speedskating track that is there for the Canada Games that Halifax is hosting in February. It was fun. It was cold. We saw a few of our friends AND we had a skating lesson. I feel a little embarrassed about this - but our kids have never had formal skating lessons. Since we decided early on not to do hockey and because lessons have always been at bad times for us, we never really thought about it. We skate on a lake maybe twice per winter. So the kids enjoyed their first formal lesson. Rather than stand around freezing I also took the lesson (it was a very laid back thing). The teacher was shocked at how quickly I caught on. I had to admit to her that I had years and years of formal training. I almost let it slip that my name was Dorothy Hamel but I was good - and I didn't show off my doing any triple axels either.

How do I not remember this?

Today I was sorting my email inbox, and I came across this.

To: Ron and Marsha Abarbanel

Dear Parents,

I searched long and hard, but was unable to find any study or even speculation-thing correlating moustaches and bipolar disorder. I used google, and then for good measure I searched the academic journals at the university library.

Sorry :<

Kate

I would love to remember the context of this, but nope . . . it's totally erased from my memory.

Mr. Hives

We have many names for Sam:
Migraino - because he gets migraines
Pathetico - because he can make himself look so pathetic when he doesn't get his way

Tonight while Matt, Sam and I discussed this we thought of "Dramatico" and "Intensito" - you can guess why.
But a new name emerged on Christmas Day - Sam named himself "Mr. Hives" because he got hives (maybe?) all over his body. We were busy and they didn't look that bad - and I didn't look that closely at them. Then at bedtime Sam started complaining about terrible itchiness. I looked and they were everywhere - face, neck, arms, back, tummy and legs. It was by this time 9:30. I was feeling stuck and a little desperate. Going to emergency on Christmas Day? Wait there all night to be told it was nothing? No walk in clinics were open and even our local drug store was closed. I found a 24 hour drug store and called the pharmacist. She suggested benadryl (we didn't have any) but we did have an adult antihistimine - we gave him half. I also gave him an oatmeal bath. The pharmacist said as long as he was not having trouble breathing or had a swollen tongue it would be OK. He fell asleep around midnight. This morning I called my doctors office - as he was still quite hivey. It directed me a new service - you dial 811 and a nurse will help you 24/7. I called and got a call back an hour later. Nurse Kathy was very very nice. She was one of those friendly Cape Bretoners. She asked all kinds of questions while inputting things into the computer. Was he having trouble breathing? Was his tongue swollen? When did it start? Had he eaten anything weird? (YES - shrimp and Brother's pepperoni). Was he nauseous. Could he carry on regular activities. Was he lethargic. (NO - very much not lethargic.) What did the rash look like? Was there a raised bump in the midle of the spots. Did it look like lace? And on and on. Then she said, "I would suggest you take him to the doctor in the next two to four days and if he starts having trouble breathing take him to emergency. Also get him some hydrocortisone cream at the pharmacy. She then even told me which walk in clinics were open and even their phone numbers. At the end I said, "so Kathy I assume from what you told me you are not allowed to tell me what you think it is." She said, "No. Only a doctor can do that." I tried another tactic. "So if you are saying to take him to the doctor in the next two to four days you are not thinking it is too serious?" She said, "we don't think it is serious unless he can't breathe." I asked about Benadryl and she said, "oh yes you could give him some of that." She was so very very nice. But in the end was there a point to our conversation? Later Sam was itchy again so I walked him up to Shopper's Drug Mart and asked the pharmacist about the rash. She said, "did he eat something weird?" Yes - shrimp. She took me to Benadryl and said, "this may make him drowsy." I smiled and winked at her and said, "that's OK." We shared a little conspiratorial laugh.

So now Sam is Mr. Hives.

All the way to and from Shopper's Sam tried to convince me to let him buy an online game. He said, "I'll even earn the money myself/I'm really sick and it would take my mind off it/Other kids get to buy online games, why can't we/You bought me a Nexxon card before. Why won't you buy this for me. I said that Daddy would kill me and it just wouldn't be worth it to have an online game but a dead mother. Sam said, "why would Dad have to know. You could use your credit card." I said we had the same credit card so Dad would know. Sam suggested I use PayPal instead. I don't have PayPal Sam. And on and on. He didn't wear me down.

I think now you might get why we think "Intensito" might be a good nick name.

I Hate Our Christmas Tree

Mum is allergic to trees. This means that we are not able to purchase trees and carry them into our house for the festive season. We got by with a pathetic fake Christmas tree for many many years, but that one eventually met its end. A lull began that has not yet finished. Nobody is willing to invest the time or money to walk down to Canadian Tire and buy a fake Christmas tree.

Our living room is graced with two fake fig trees all year round. When Christmas time comes around, the younger boys grab one, prop it up on a coffee table, and cover it in popcorn, lights and clay zebras. They like to finish it off by putting an empty Hannukiah in front. Some of you may be thinking, "Wow, what clever improvisation! It must look amazing!" You're wrong. It is the UGLIEST Christmas decoration in existence. If you want to see a picture of this tree, look at the blog background. You see the green thing that looks kind of like THE UGLIEST THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN? That's our Christmas tree. I'm sorry if this has made you think that our family has a depressing Christmas. It isn't true. The only depressing thing about our Christmas is the tree itself. If Santa were to visit, he'd give us five pounds of dynamite and a match with a note saying, "You should be ashamed of this. Blow it up. There's some free coal in your stocking. Merry @#$%$#$ Christmas."

<><

Dan

They Loved Lamp

A year ago, we took a family trip to New England. Some friends of ours were kind enough to let us squeeze ourselves into their tiny apartment while they were in turn off visiting relatives in Moncton.

It was a tight fit, made worse by the proliferation of bric-a-brac and furniture that they'd managed to squeeze into their flat.

The worst offenders were the lamps. Lamps decorated every room. Every side table, every bureau, even the china cabinet was graced by a lamp. There were so many, and they were so cleverly placed that it took us several days to find every single one. In the end, we counted seventeen.

Six lamps peppered the master bedroom alone. The other eleven were scattered over the dining room, the small living room, and the remaining bedroom.

During one of our lasts nights, Mom said, "Guys, what should we get as a gift for our friends for letting us stay here?"

"A lamp."

"Mom, I can't believe you're even asking us that question."

"It definitely looks like they need another lamp around here."

"They love lamp!"

Mom is notorious for not appreciating clutter, so I think she bought them some chocolate instead.

We had a really great time.

A Very Dave Christmas

Matt here:



Mom just talked me and said to me that I need to improve my blogging work, she said that I blog like a kid in grade two.


Thanks mom.


So I guess that I'll start with a game I found. This game is a very fun one.

It is called "Minecraft". It is a game about a world where everything is a block.
You can make a lot of stuff. You can add or take blocks to build a house or a rocket or anything.
At night zombies and spiders come out and try to eat you.

Christmas is upon us!

Yes! It will snow! We will get lot of presents from Santa!

Well, neither of those will be happening.
In Nova Scotia we have no snow. Right now it is raining.
I dont really get why in Ontario snow is coming down. Yet, over here a different substance is ... coming down.

I have to go now. Dad and me have to defrost the turkey with the blowdryer.

See ya!

Matt

Hockey and passports

This is Sam. A few days ago the family was eating dinner and Dad said, "let's pray for our friend Fadi about his passport." None of us knew that he needed a passport so we asked why. Dad said that Fadi had to get a passport to see his family in Jordan and if he didn't get it in one day or so he couldn't see his family. So we prayed. Nobody really had anything to pray except Mom. But I just hoped that he got his passport. One day later I asked Dad if Fadi got his passport. Dad said no but I still hoped. That night i was lying in bed with Dad when he said that Fadi got his passport. I almost whooped with joy.



Anyway before the passport we got a hockey net that was slightly smaller then the normal size. But we didn't care. We had lots of fun with it and our friend has one too so we could play one on one. There is also two goalies that can play with us so that was pretty cool. Byeee!!!

Quotes of the Day

Dan: Yeah, I know that J is always getting 100s in math, and I am always getting 99s, but I really believe I'm better than him at it. He just doesn't feel it like I do.

Dan: Guess what Kate? Jacob's Dad has the clock in his car set ahead ten minutes because he cannot be late.

Me: So? I have the clock in my bedroom set ahead four minutes for the same reason.

Dan: Really? Have you ever thought, "Hey, I'm smart. I can get to school on time?"

Dan has recently become the owner of new spandex pants, for use while running outside in the winter. I have been running in the same size 18 boys thermal track pants that I found at a thrift shop for the last four years, so I find this attention to clothes-to-sweat-in to be quite amusing.

Dan: It's easy to wake up at 6:30 in the morning, especially when you have really sexy pants that you can't wait to put on. Nobody else agrees with me - I don't know why.

Matt has been breaking up his homeschooling routine to take one course at our local Junior High school. In total, it takes two hours of time per week. Today was his last day.

Matt: Wow, it's so nice to be done. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with all that stress anymore.

My first blog.

This is Sam. I have a feeling that I'm going to fail but here I go. Three weeks ago Dad made a deal with us. If we (Me and Matt) go to bed on time for five days straight then he would take us to Dairy Queen and get us a dilly bar. Because we were always dilly dallying at bedtime. When we earned the dilly bar Dad said alright I'll get you guys it tomorrow. We went to get the dilly bar and some other stuff for installing heaters (I will tell you about them soon) When we ordered the dilly bar, me and Matt thought this is going to be the best treat ever. but when we saw the dilly bar we thought oh crud I'm going to die. the dilly bar looked like a huge lollipop except it was covered in chocolate and had vanilla ice cream in the middle. After that Me and Matt couldn't eat supper. We didn't really like it so we asked Dad if we could get a sundae instead. He said yes but you have to earn more points. I was disappointed. D:<


OK now we talk about the heaters. Today Dad is installing heaters in the basement. he has a horrible back so he asked Me if I could help. Of course I said no. Just kidding I said yes. I watched him cut a small hole in the wall and say oh no. I asked what was wrong. He said that he misplaced the heater wire - it wasn't where he put the hold in the drywall. I got bored so i went upstairs. Later he called me and said to walk to the store with Matt and get 9 volt batteries. When we came back Dad installed the new heater and said it worked.Yay.



Alright the reason I am writing this blog is because mom said that if I did I would get computer time (I will do anything to get *cough* computer time). byeeeeeee!!!!!!!

Romantic Relationships

As I have now reached the rather advanced age of 19, certain family members have started to pressure me to find a man.

Matt: Kate, how old are you now?

Me: 19

Matt: You know, you should really start dating.

Me: Thanks . . . I'll get right on that.

Why my twelve year old brother is so eager to see me off on the road of non-platonic relationships is beyond me, but later on we had another conversation about it.

Matt: Kate, I don't really want you to move out, but I wouldn't mind if you had a boyfriend.

Me: Mhmmm, yeah, you mentioned that.

Matt: He just has to conform to certain expectations. He has to be really awesome, and he has to be taller than Mom so he can look down on his mother-in-law.

Me: Not a tall order considering the fact that Mom is 5'2", but I'll be sure to keep your preferences in mind.

Matt: Thanks

After reading this post over my shoulder:

Matt: You know, I'm not trying to pressure you. I'd just like it if you'd uhhh, never mind. I mean, you're just kind of old.

Me: I see.

Talking to Americans

Last summer, we were lounging at a pool at Mont Tremblant, a ski-hill turned summer resort in the beautiful Laurentian mountain region of Quebec.

Whenever we are in parts of Quebec with a good mix of francophones and anglophones, we like to play a game that we have dubbed Ontario ou Quebec, though in reality it is more just us distinguishing francophones from anglophones, as there are plenty of Quebecois anglophones, as well as anglophones like us who are from other provinces.

The game goes like this:

Step One: Look at a group of people who are travelling towards you.

Step Two: Predict whether they are francophone or anglophone.

Step Three: Wait until you can hear what language they are speaking.

Step Four: Give yourself a pat on the back because it's a game with a pretty low failure rate.

At any rate, Sarah and I were lounging on a pair of deck chairs, not actively playing the game, when she whispered to me, "American."

I turned around to view a large blonde man, speaking rather loudly in English. Since the game is not won until the identity of the person in question is completely confirmed, we pricked our ears to hear any mention of his home.

For about two minutes we waited in vain as he continued to speak loudly in English about nothing in particular. Then, we heard this jewel:

"This is our third time at Mont Tremblant."

The way he said Mont Tremblant rhymed with Want Gem Plant.

Sarah and I high-fived.

After that, it only took him about fifteen seconds to say where in the States he was from. We stayed by the pool all afternoon, so Matt and Sam had plenty of time to talk to him and his children.

When we asked Matt what they talked about, he said, "Oh, nothing much. He was speaking really slowly to me, and then he said, 'You know, you speak really good English.'"

Matt is a monolingual anglophone, so we all thought this was pretty hilarious.

Sam and the concept of Time

Sam woke up early this morning and whispered in my ear, "they are releasing a new version of our game this morning. Can I go on the computer just for a little bit to check it out?" I said yes. A bit later he came down and asked, "what time is it in England right now. They said they were going to release the game but they haven't yet." I said, "well they are four hours ahead of us but they have been having problems there lately." Sam said, "with time?" No - I explained the problems were with snow and I thought maybe the game makers couldn't make it into their offices.

Having kids can be a lot of work but these unexpected funny moments make it all worthwhile.

Zip Line

Last night we were all sitting around the dinner table, and Mom asked us what our favourite childhood memories were. I think she was angling towards Christmas tradition memories, but the first thing that got mentioned was the zip line.

The zip line has never appeared in the blog, maybe because it occurred during the post-drought of summertime.

According to Sarah, Dan and her dreamed of the zip line four years before they were able to bring it into the world. What changed was the acquisition of a clothesline and the wheels that came with it. Suddenly new worlds were opened. If they could just pull a line of clothesline taut and hang something off the wheel, they would be zipping across the backyard in no time.

The challenge turned out to be finding things on which to affix the clothesline. The tall tree next to our deck would work well, and on the other side the baby barn door would do.

Then they had to figure out what to hang from the wheel. A rubbermaid storage container? No, too heavy. Only Sam was tiny enough for that. A bike tire they found underneath our deck would be perfect.

Finally, the zip line was complete. Dan and Sarah climbed the tree, and hooked Sarah in. Then they called everybody outside, including some visitors, to witness its maiden voyage. Dad said, "are you sure that's safe kids?" Dan said, "Oh yeah." and let go. With a splintering crack the baby barn door was wrenched off its hinges and flew across the yard. Sarah sat on the ground six feet below below the take-off point, a dumbfounded look on her face.

After that debacle, Dad still let them make another attempt at a zip line. This one was a success, even if you had to be careful not to hold onto the line lest the wheel roll over your fingers with all your weight on it, and also to bail out before you hit the spade that they'd used to connect all the pieces of clothesline, and also to stick out your legs to avoid crashing into the large rock that came next.

Matt and Sam were playing hockey in the snow. Suddenly Sam burst in the door. Dad?

yeah?

do you have a five dollar bill?

uhh no, why?

There's a homeless man going down the street collecting recyclable's and I want to give him some money.

I found five dollars in change in my purse and gave it to Sam. I watched Sam run down the street to give it to the man, I didn't see if he did but when Sam walked back up the street he was rubbing his hand as if he had the coins in it. As it turns out the man did take it and Sam said he was very happy. Sam confessed to me that he told the man that the money was from Dad and not from his account ( I can understand this, when I was a kid I tried to give a homeless man money but he wouldn't take it because I had earned it).Anyways I thought that was really sweet of Sam.

Its snowing outside right now, we have had a little snow but not enough to do anything fun with. Crossing my fingers for a white Christmas.

I made homemade pancakes and syrup for breakfast, Oh boy I love winter!

Alright I'd better get French done, I've been putting it off all day.

Sarah

Sam's writing assignment

I gave Sam the following writing topic: "And that is how my butt ended up on Mars and Uranus." This is what he wrote. (He wrote this over many days.)

One day Sam was chillin' when the phone rang. Sam picked up the phone. Hello said an intelligent-smelling man. You are the lucky man who has been chosen to go on the NASA spaceship. Oh said Sam. What time should I be there? 11 o'clock said the man. OK bye. The next day Sam went to NASA. As soon as Sam walked in he was greeted by a man. I will be your captain. Follow me he said. Sam followed him. Soon they were in a room. Welcome to the rigging room said the man. Let's get you into a space suit. Later Sam was walking down a hall to the space ship and when he reached the door a man said to go into the spaceship and take a seat. OK said Sam. Soon he was in the space ship. Are we ready to take off? Yes. 3-2-1 BLAST OFF. The spaceship blasted off going at an incredible speed. About ten minutes later they were sailing through space. Where are we going said Sam. Mars said the man. Oh said Sam. A few days later the man said 2 days until we reach Mars. Coooolll said Sam. That night Sam could hardly sleep. I"M SO EXCITED said Sam. The next day the man said one day until we reach Mars. At lunch Sam fainted of excitement. What felt like two seconds was really twenty four hours. When Sam woke up the man said we are at Mars. Wooot. Sam put on his space helmet and jumped outside. Let's go exploring said the man. Soon the man and Sam were strolling down Mars. Or should I say trolling down Mars. Anyway about thirty minutes later they were back at the spaceship and the man said we must leave now. OK said Sam. Ten minutes passed and Sam was in the spaceship in his seat ready to go home ....... Two seconds later they were sailing through space. We're off! yelled the man. WOOT said Sam. One and and half days later Sam was eating lunch when the man ran into the lunch room yelling. Sam look out the window. Sam looked out the window. There was a lot of space junk heading right for them. Ooooh crap said Sam. What are we going to do. I HAVE NO IDEA screamed the man. The space junk was very close now and the man was spastic. He was running around the lunch room screaming his head off. Can we get this spaceship out said Sam. Oh I never thought of that said the man. Then let's go said Sam. Suddenly the space junk hit and broke the engine and they were flying through space heading right for a black hole. Oh no said Sam. What are we going to do. We're going to see if we can fix the engine. Thirty seconds later they jumped out and crawled to the engine and started to fix the problem. Three minutes later it was fixed .... or they thought it was fixed. Okay let's go said Sam. They started back to the spaceship. Soon they were in the control room. All right said the man. Let's go . The man turned on the jets. But only one was working. The spaceship started to spin uncontrollably. Sam and the man got flung around the room and the black hole started to suck them in. Sam and the man got flung around the spaceship getting hurt very badly. Well this is it. Goodbye world thought Sam. Suddenly they hit the black hole and got sucked through the black hole. The pressure was unbearable. It was a miracle that they survived. They shot through the black hole and hit something. Now Sam and the man had fainted when the spaceship hit the "thing" so they did not wake up for a while. When they did wake up they noticed that they were really on Uranus. Woooow said the man. This is Uranus. HEY! said Sam, (Sam thought he said YOUR ANUS). I mean the planet said the man. Oh said Sam. They got out of the spaceship and took a walk. After the walk Sam and "the man" fixed the engine for good and ate supper. Then they went to bed and fainted because they were so exhausted. When they woke up the man said let's go home. Agreed said Sam. So they got in the space ship and blasted home. They were very lucky to crash into a closed pillow factory. After that they walked back. When they entered the NASA building everybody went wild with joy. We thought you were dead said a man. Oh really said Sam. Yes he said because I am. WHAT. Oh my. I'm kidding said Sam. Sam said to the man I never got your name. I am Justin Beiber. Sam punched Justin in the face and ran home. The next morning Sam looked at the news. Jusin Beiber arrested for starting a riot. Sam said that was the happiest day of his life. And that's how my butt ended up on Mars and Uranus

Editors note: Originally the man at the end of the story was going to be Churck Norris. But Sam couldn't resist a chance to express his disdain for Justin Beiber.

This World Is Crazy (Wikileaks)

Matt here (this blog is a few week old):

WHAT? Assange got bail??

North Korea is supplying Iran with missiles?

This world is crazy

I find it funny how these cables got out.

Lady Gaga will be the undoing of the U.S. government

But it is outrages me the most that the U.S. Gov gave easy access to Pvt. Manning.

The age of privacy has ended

Hockey Nets And Snow

This is Matt writing:

Today we got a new hockey net! We have had very bad experience with our other nets like this one

(i don't have a picture of it, But Google street view has it)

The other net we build out of wood and burlap, it was about 42" square and was on a tilt, we put rocks on it to keep it straight.

I destroyed it when I Shot a ball at the corner.

Oops

Our new one is a REAL net that is 54" inch and has a non-burlap net.

I have heard about the snow in Ontario, yet Nova Scotia has no snow anywhere.

We were at a hockey game last night with the SMU Huskies VS the Naval (No, not a belly button) team. There was no goal judge so i had to do it I got to flick the switch 11 times.

We won 11 - 1

Matt

Hockey And Christmas

Hey guys, here are some happenings around our house lately. We have discovered through trial and error that giving presents for the holidays puts way too much stress on the buyer and that we would rather do without. We have also decided that buying another fake Christmas tree (Mums allergic to the real ones) would only lead to lack of storage issues and extra sweeping (shudder) of pine bristles. So we have decorated a houseplant which we mounted on a night table because it wasn't tall enough. I have made the observation that, our fake fig tree was probably closer to what they had on the first Christmas then our Canadian winter pine trees.

I am in grade nine at the moment, trying to get ready for high school and generally being terrified of it. I also became a vegetarian in September, which mom has been a super star with. She keeps making really good meals that everyone loves (except Matt, he doesn't seem to like anything other then grilled cheese). Dan is succeeding as usual, having fun at school and doing really well. Kate is really happy her exams are over and is visiting her friend Anna in Saint johns for a few days. The boys are playing hockey in the new net Mum got them. Last night Dad took them to an exhibition hockey game. They throughly enjoyed turning the goal light on and watching our team push our goalie out of our net so the other guys could score. Needless to say we won 11-1.

-Sarah

Sam's Sayings

Sam and Matt were playing a rather heated soccer game. Sam was heading a ball and Matt wanted to get it. Instead he kicked Sam in the eye, leaving his footprint there and Sam's eye went black the next day. Sam told me, "the rec leaders got me some ice and said I could have a time out. But then I thought, "screw the pain. Matt's team might score. So I went back on the field."

Sam told me he was having an Angzichity Attack. I asked, "what does an Angzichity Attack feel like?" He said, "it is when you really really want something and it gives you a pain in your stomach." What he really really wanted was to not do school work and play computer games instead.

Matt has been doing a lot of research on how to make a Gillie Suit (the thing they use in the army to make them look like they are part of the vegetation.) He bought burlap and dyed it camouflage colours. It turned out really nicely although burlap really stinks. Then he asked Kate to teach him how to sew. She said, "you should just staple it on instead." Matt worked on the stapling for a lot of hours. At bedtime he was very very discouraged and angry because it wasn't working. I suggested that he pray about it. I prayed too. In the morning I had this idea of tying the dyed burlap to a burlap base that was like a cloak. (You only wear the gillie suit on your back as the extra layers make it cumbersome to commando crawl). I asked Matt if God had given him any ideas. He said, "yes. Fishing string. We could tie the camouflaged burlap on with fishing string. It is strong and sturdy." I said, "that's the idea that God gave me too." The Gillie suit actually looks amazing.

Tonight the hockey team that Ron is the chaplain of had an exhibition game. Matt and Sam have the habit of standing beside the goal judge during the game, and have become good friends. But tonight the goal judge wasn't there so Matt asked the referee if he could be the goal judge. The referee said, "Yes. If I point at the goal or you see a goal go in, flick on the light." Matt and Sam have also asked if they could volunteer as the zamboni driver. But so far the answer is NO.

Matt and Sam have a deal with Ron - they often dilly dally at bedtime. Ron said he would take them to Dairy Queen and buy them a Dilly bar if they could go to bed on time for 5 nights in a row. It is not looking good.

Syphilis and Bingo

There's something amazing about Bingo. It requires everything that almost all humans are born with: the ability to concentrate, the ability to see lines, and the ability to say "Bingo!" I know what you're thinking. Newborn babies know how to say "Bingo?" The answer is yes. The reason you never hear them say it is because they haven't won Bingo. There's another thing that all humans are born with: The Bingo Rule. The Bingo rule is as follows: "Don't yell Bingo unless you actually got it." It's hard-wired into our brains from the beginning, so don't worry about teaching it to your kids. They already know it.

My school had a Bingo Night two weeks ago. I walked in and smelled the perfume rich air, found my seat, and bought a few cards. I paused to look at my surroundings. There were a couple of fellow students seated with their parents and grandparents. There was one middle-aged woman who had four cards laid out before her. She had her dobber poised for the game. The look of concentration on her face scared me and interested me at the same time. I was blown away when I first watched her play. She resembled a juiced up velociraptor playing Whack-a-Groundhog.

The gym was completely full. The odds of winning Bingo are very low in a crowd like that, so I was very surprised when I won. It felt amazing to hear the word "Bingo" leave my lips. My gift basket was brought over and I marveled at some of the prizes that I received:

A copy of Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert

Two necklaces

Bath salts and shower gels

Moose shaped candles

A curling iron

Some MAC makeup

A blue towelette

Ladies, don't be jealous. I won $150 dollars worth of stuff that I really didn't need. It happens.

English is not a waste of my time. Calculus is not a waste of my time. Biology is not a waste of my time. However, when I receive worksheets that have no relevance to the subject being taught, I have trouble concentrating and taking it seriously. We were going over some notes on STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections) in Biology, and the teacher decided to play a documentary about a small town in Georgia that was subject to a syphilis outbreak in the mid 90's. The teacher handed out a 23 question worksheet that we had to completed by the end of the week. The documentary was pretty nasty. It focused on the lives of the teenagers who contracted syphilis, and the long term effects that it had on them as they grew up. There wasn't a shred of information that related to biology in the documentary, but there were detailed descriptions of the violent orgies that the teens would organize and participate in. I used the time to nap in class. I began my assignment yesterday evening, and was chugging along at a nice pace. The first eight questions were good, but as I moved through the assignment, the questions stopped relating to biology completely. I could not bring myself to be serious about it, so I had some fun. Here are a couple of the questions that were asked in the BIOLOGY assignment, along with the answers that I wrote down:

How many teenagers were exposed to the disease? (this is nicely relevant to the film)

Seventeen teenagers contracted syphilis, but over two-hundred had to be treated for exposure to the disease.

Does the behaviour in the video surprise or shock you? (nicely worded)

It surprises AND shocks me!

Do you believe that all parents are the same?

I believe that all parents have some things in common. For example, they all have children. Biologically speaking, there is a male unit and a female unit. They are most likely not virgins! I'm having difficulties finding differences. Yes, all parents are the same!

In your mind, who do you blame for the outbreak of syphilis? The teens, the parents, the police, etc....

The police are definitely to blame. After all, the adults had to have syphilis first, and parents don't tend to have sex with their children. That leaves the police.

Was the actual outbreak really a good thing? Was it good that the parents, teachers, counselors etc. found out the real truth?

The outbreak was fantastic. There should be one in every city. Why stop at syphilis? AIDS ought to teach those kids a lesson. Pepper on some herpes, and teens will never go wrong again.

What are teenagers really looking for in a family structure?

From the events of the documentary, it seems like the teenagers really enjoy sex. They probably need a family structure that allows them to have as much sex as possible. All of the problems would be solved if this were the case.

What happens if the police or the parents don't supervise their children?

It obviously means that they get syphilis.

Is it important for parents, teachers etc. to talk about sex?

Nobody should talk about sex. What the kids don't know won't give them syphilis!

Please understand that I have not voiced any of my actual opinions on most of these questions. Satire is bliss.

Until next time,

Dan