Syphilis and Bingo

There's something amazing about Bingo. It requires everything that almost all humans are born with: the ability to concentrate, the ability to see lines, and the ability to say "Bingo!" I know what you're thinking. Newborn babies know how to say "Bingo?" The answer is yes. The reason you never hear them say it is because they haven't won Bingo. There's another thing that all humans are born with: The Bingo Rule. The Bingo rule is as follows: "Don't yell Bingo unless you actually got it." It's hard-wired into our brains from the beginning, so don't worry about teaching it to your kids. They already know it.

My school had a Bingo Night two weeks ago. I walked in and smelled the perfume rich air, found my seat, and bought a few cards. I paused to look at my surroundings. There were a couple of fellow students seated with their parents and grandparents. There was one middle-aged woman who had four cards laid out before her. She had her dobber poised for the game. The look of concentration on her face scared me and interested me at the same time. I was blown away when I first watched her play. She resembled a juiced up velociraptor playing Whack-a-Groundhog.

The gym was completely full. The odds of winning Bingo are very low in a crowd like that, so I was very surprised when I won. It felt amazing to hear the word "Bingo" leave my lips. My gift basket was brought over and I marveled at some of the prizes that I received:

A copy of Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert

Two necklaces

Bath salts and shower gels

Moose shaped candles

A curling iron

Some MAC makeup

A blue towelette

Ladies, don't be jealous. I won $150 dollars worth of stuff that I really didn't need. It happens.

English is not a waste of my time. Calculus is not a waste of my time. Biology is not a waste of my time. However, when I receive worksheets that have no relevance to the subject being taught, I have trouble concentrating and taking it seriously. We were going over some notes on STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections) in Biology, and the teacher decided to play a documentary about a small town in Georgia that was subject to a syphilis outbreak in the mid 90's. The teacher handed out a 23 question worksheet that we had to completed by the end of the week. The documentary was pretty nasty. It focused on the lives of the teenagers who contracted syphilis, and the long term effects that it had on them as they grew up. There wasn't a shred of information that related to biology in the documentary, but there were detailed descriptions of the violent orgies that the teens would organize and participate in. I used the time to nap in class. I began my assignment yesterday evening, and was chugging along at a nice pace. The first eight questions were good, but as I moved through the assignment, the questions stopped relating to biology completely. I could not bring myself to be serious about it, so I had some fun. Here are a couple of the questions that were asked in the BIOLOGY assignment, along with the answers that I wrote down:

How many teenagers were exposed to the disease? (this is nicely relevant to the film)

Seventeen teenagers contracted syphilis, but over two-hundred had to be treated for exposure to the disease.

Does the behaviour in the video surprise or shock you? (nicely worded)

It surprises AND shocks me!

Do you believe that all parents are the same?

I believe that all parents have some things in common. For example, they all have children. Biologically speaking, there is a male unit and a female unit. They are most likely not virgins! I'm having difficulties finding differences. Yes, all parents are the same!

In your mind, who do you blame for the outbreak of syphilis? The teens, the parents, the police, etc....

The police are definitely to blame. After all, the adults had to have syphilis first, and parents don't tend to have sex with their children. That leaves the police.

Was the actual outbreak really a good thing? Was it good that the parents, teachers, counselors etc. found out the real truth?

The outbreak was fantastic. There should be one in every city. Why stop at syphilis? AIDS ought to teach those kids a lesson. Pepper on some herpes, and teens will never go wrong again.

What are teenagers really looking for in a family structure?

From the events of the documentary, it seems like the teenagers really enjoy sex. They probably need a family structure that allows them to have as much sex as possible. All of the problems would be solved if this were the case.

What happens if the police or the parents don't supervise their children?

It obviously means that they get syphilis.

Is it important for parents, teachers etc. to talk about sex?

Nobody should talk about sex. What the kids don't know won't give them syphilis!

Please understand that I have not voiced any of my actual opinions on most of these questions. Satire is bliss.

Until next time,

Dan